Mushroom Boom

Conall was having an issue.

The man let out a huff, wiping the sweat from his brow as he dumped another bucket full of the mushrooms into the wheelbarrow at his side with a quiet curse of annoyance.

“Damned mushrooms—why my yard?” he grumbled to himself, shaking his head with a heavy sigh. “A few’s good for cooking, but this…? Cursed things.”

The man plopped back onto the grass with the bucket, yanking up a few more mushrooms and chucking them unceremoniously into it. He’d been at it for well over an hour, and was only a quarter of the way into his yard, which didn’t bode well. Especially not when even more of the things were bound to pop up overnight, and the season’s rain that was currently drenching his lawn in a slurry of grassy mud puddles certainly wasn’t making his work any faster.

He’d debated pulling out a mower to potentially make his life a little easier, but didn’t want to chance the possibility of the would-be scattered mushroom bits causing an even bigger problem for him.

Claudette leaned against the threshold of the front door, one brow raised as he gazed out at Conall with intrigue. “Connie,” he called, tilting his head. “What are you doing out there, it’s pouring!” He squinted slightly upon seeing the wheelbarrow and bucket combination, and spotted what looked like hundreds of mushrooms inside. “And… wow, that’s a hell of a lot of mushrooms. I could have sworn that we didn’t have that many of them out in the yard yesterday.”

Conall paused in his work, glancing up at Claudette with a small frown before setting the bucket down and rising to his feet with a groan. He wiped his hands on a rag and walked over to the porch, leaning against the railing opposite Claudette.

“It’s nothin’, hon,” he said gruffly, gesturing at the mushrooms. “The things are damn near everywhere. They’re starting to take over the yard, and I don’t want ’em gettin’ into my garden.” His frown deepened, and he paused to scratch at the back of his head as he turned to gaze back at his yard. “Figured I’d just get rid of ’em while I could, but I don’t think it’s doin’ me much good—they’re even sprouting up in town; seems like nearly every open patch of dirt has at least one growin’ in it.” He cast a sidelong glance at Claudette, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Don’t worry about me, though. I’ll manage. I always do.”

“Aww, you poor baby, out here doing all this hard work,” Claudette crooned, cupping Conall’s cheeks in his palms and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Such a sweetie pie, being so diligent.” He nuzzled noses with the man, then looked out at the mushrooms. “I’d say we could make a sort of soup, or stew… maybe a few salads, but I think that’s too many mushrooms for my taste.”

The latter rolled his eyes, smirking slightly despite the tireless task ahead of him. “I definitely don’t plan on eatin’ ’em all either,” he retorted lightly, nudging Claudette playfully before glancing back at the mushrooms with a hum. “Might be worth tryin’ to get a use out of ’em that way, though. Can’t let good food go to waste, after all. Want to help?” He suggested, a playful glint in his eye. “Could use the extra pair of hands.” With a shrug, he reached for a nearby trowel, ready to resume his task.

“Oh but you just look so adorably rugged doing it yourself,” Claudette replied with a soft grin, never one to get his hands dirty. “How about I act as moral support?”

Conall gave a snort of amusement. “Always the supportive type, aren’t ya, love?” he teased lightly, reaching out to ruffle Claudette’s curls affectionately, dropping a kiss on the cream colored locks. “But I appreciate it regardless. It makes the job much more enjoyable when you have company.”

“I’m kidding, Conall,” Claudette grumbled playfully, offering a light grin. “Assuming you have spare gloves, I can help. I’m just against the texture of mud on my bare hands.” He glanced up from the porch to the rain as Conall began to descend the porch steps back out into the yard and made a face affecting vague displeasure before following him out. “I really don’t know how you do it, though, sitting out here half drenched in the rain.”

Conall couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, isn’t that somethin’?” he joked, clapping him gently on the shoulder, then shot a glance toward the sky. “Gotta admit, this weather isn’t what I’d call great, but rain’s a part of the deal if I want to get rid of the mushrooms in a timely manner.”

Despite his bravado, however, he couldn’t hide a small shiver as the rain continued to fall, rubbing at his arms briefly to put a bit more warmth into them. “I do have some spare gloves, though,” he said, and produced a clean pair from the pocket of his jacket to hand them to Claudette. “Brought ’em out just in case mine snapped to save me a trip back into the house covered in mud, but you’re welcome to snag ’em.”

“We can make it work,” Claudette hummed, putting on the gloves and continuing to follow Conall towards the area where he had been digging prior and kneeling down. “I suppose I could… sauté some of them and make a sort of ramen? We have plenty of noodles and broth. Or I could chop a few up and dry them in the oven to make some nice treats for Duchess and Prudence.” He paused for a moment, looking towards Conall. “You, er… don’t think cooking these will make us have hallucinations, do you?”

Conall arched an eyebrow at Claudette’s suggestion, smirking faintly. “Hell, I wouldn’t mind tryin’ ’em out if they did,” he said, shrugging off the idea of hallucinating. “As long as they’re safe to eat, why not?” He handed Claudette a pair of gloves, watching as the younger man started gathering mushrooms. “Careful though, some of those mushrooms are a little deep. Don’t want you gettin’ mud under the gloves and onto your dainty little fingers.”

The latter scoffed playfully and nudged Conall with his elbow. “Dainty,” he sniffed. “I’ll show you dainty, old man.”

Conall laughed aloud, playfully swatting at Claudette’s arm. “Old man, huh?” he teased, returning the nudge with a bit more force.

Together, they continued the task at hand, rain drizzling down around them as they worked side by side. Despite the inclement weather, the shared activity felt like a bonding experience between the couple, who were always eager to be in each other’s company regardless of the circumstances. Despite all of Conall’s teasing, he really appreciated the company, and the chance to spend time with Claudette outside their usual routine.

“You know, actually,” Claudette began after a period of silence, “I think I read recently in one of your gardening catalogs that they’re only good as hallucinogens if they’re nice and fresh like these here,” he pointed out, holding one up for emphasis. “Not sure if that means they’re still potent when they’re cooked, but they definitely aren’t when they’re dried.”

“I think that’s only the ones in the hazebloom beds, sweetheart,” Conall offered politely, plucking a mushroom up and examining it between his forefinger and thumb with a curious look. “So unless I have a surprise plot of the hallucinogenic flowers somewhere in my garden, I think we’re safe to hoard these for the kitchen. Or at least, safe to hoard as many as you can cook for the kitchen.” He smiled fondly at Claudette as he tossed the mushroom into the bucket beside them. “Speaking of, I didn’t take you for much of a cook, y’know. That’s to say, I’ve seen you make little meals out of stuff in the pantry, but never dishes, no offense.”

“None taken,” Claudette snickered. “I’ve been sneaking peeks at your cookbooks and looking up new dishes—oh, and they had these amazing little roasted mushroom sides available on the lunch table during my last shoot—I just had to ask the caterer for the recipe.” He beamed proudly at Conall, leaning partially onto his side and batting his lashes at him. “I’m feeling creative,” he said, wiggling his shoulders with a chuckle.

Conall raised an eyebrow, looking at Claudette with a mix of surprise and pride. “Well I’ll be damned,” he murmured, feigning a look of excessive shock. “Look at you, you gonna try and outshine me in the kitchen next?”

In all honesty, he was excited at the new potential of getting to sit back to some home-cooked meals that weren’t his own, his gaze lingering on Claudette for a moment. “Honestly, I like the sound of that, though. Maybe we can share recipes, eh? Show each other somethin’ new.” He flashed a grin at Claudette before turning back to his work, tossing another handful of mushrooms into the bucket with a satisfied grunt. “Guess it’ll be fun seein’ what you whip up with these bad boys.”

“You know, it probably wouldn’t hurt to let Duchess out to help clear them,” Claudette offered helpfully. “That little thing could clear a field of these mushrooms in no-time, if her eating habits are anything to write home about.”

A smile curled upwards on Conall’s face at the mention of Duchess, visibly brightening. “That’d be a sight, wouldn’t it?” he mused, looking over at Claudette with a twinkle in his eyes. “She loves to graze, that one.”

He stood up, brushing the dirt from his hands before starting back towards the house. “I’ll go grab her, put her boots on, and we can let her loose. She’ll probably clean up those mushrooms faster than it would take me to clear out another portion of the yard, that’s for sure.” He shook his head with a fond smile. “I’d have had to check on her soon, anyway. Make sure she isn’t getting into trouble.”

“Last I checked she was mercifully passed out on the sofa after tailing me around for an hour trying to get some treats out of me,” Claudette chuckled. “I think all the begging wore her out.”

Conall sighed. “Little spoiled brat,” he teased, ruffling Claudette’s hair affectionately. “She knows how to wear you down, doesn’t she? She’s a persistent one when food’s involved, I usually break whenever she starts getting nippy.” With a nod, he headed inside to fetch Duchess, calling out reassurances to Claudette. “I’ll get her settled into her coat, love! You keep pickin’ away, okay? We’ll have this place spick and span in no time.”

Claudette shook his head in disbelief, continuing to pick away at the mushrooms. “I’m not the one doing the spoiling,” he snickered privately to himself, recalling a fond memory of him walking into the kitchen late into the night after Conall’s last birthday to find the rowdy uniqor seated in Conall’s lap at the dining table absolutely going to town on the leftover cake.

Although he personally wasn’t one to talk—he’d be spoiling his own uniqor, Prudence, with the excitement of being set loose upon the infestation of mushrooms, but Prudence had just been to the groomer’s earlier in the day, and there’d be no chance that he’d allow him out in all the mud.

Conall emerged shortly from the doorway with Duchess in tow, the uniqor already eagerly sniffing at the air as she followed closely behind him, trundling along in a pair of yellow rain boots with a little rain cloak over her back. “Here she is, love! Watch out!” he announced, bending to adjust Duchess’ boots before releasing her into the yard.

He watched Duchess bound towards the mushrooms with ravenous enthusiasm, grinning from ear to ear when she nearly knocked Claudette over while barreling past him towards an untouched patch of the shrooms. “See?” His grin widened at Claudette, his fangs on full display as he began to laugh at the imp’s antics. “Now that’s what I call efficiency! At this rate, maybe I should chuck out the mower.”

“She probably thinks it’s a new tasty snack we’re growing for her,” Claudette amended, then tilted his head and watched as Duchess promptly began to prance in circles from the sheer excitement at the free smorgasbord of mushrooms before slipping and popping down into a mud puddle. Stifling a laugh, Claudette added, “Maybe we should keep a few of them; dig up a patch to have in a pot indoors to grow them for treats,” he mused, pondering the idea aloud as he carefully wiped a splatter of mud off of his thigh from Duchess’s voracious war path.

“You think so?” Conall asked.

“We could even use a few for cooking more often if we kept it as a houseplant. It’d be nice to put on top of those salads you like to throw together with the tomatoes from the garden.”

The latter considered Claudette’s suggestion, nodding slowly. “Might not be such a bad idea, either,” he agreed. “Could save ourselves a trip to the store every now and then.” He paused, considering Claudette’s idea more thoroughly. “I reckon I could spare a spot near the window for ’em,” he said, settling back beside Claudette and helping to toss another handful of mushrooms into the bucket.

“Seems like we’ve got quite the team here, huh?” Claudette asked, snickering as Duchess managed to skewer a mushroom on her horn and was curled up on the grass, making a mad attempt to try and kick at it with her hind legs.

Conall leaned in to peck Claudette’s cheek, reaching up to wrap an arm around his waist. “I think we do,” he said softly, leaning onto his shoulder. “Should probably get to cleanin’ the mushrooms we plan on using for cooking, though… will I get the honor of seeing you all dolled up in an apron?”

Claudette hummed, seeing the impish little sparkle lighting up Conall’s eyes as his boyfriend looked at him expectantly, his tail wagging fiercely behind him like an imp with a treat being dangled in front of his face. “And what makes you think I’ll do that?” he countered, raising an eyebrow.

“Mm… because I’ve had a hard day, and I deserve a reward in the form of my boyfriend lookin’ adorable making dinner in the kitchen?” Conall replied hopefully. “And ’cause my boyfriend loves me so much?”

“You’re impossible,” Claudette sniffed, turning up his nose in mock offense. “But I guess it is a very flattering apron.” He moved a little closer to Conall, taking off his gloves and tossing them into the wheelbarrow, then paused, a sheepish expression falling over his face. “And, erm… Conall,” Claudette began, clearing his throat. “I don’t mean to bring down the mood, but, uh… what are we going to do for the ones in the backyard?”