Unsettled Respects

A cold ambience lurked in the halls of the Church of Sulfur, clinging to the clothes of those in mourning, seeping deep under the skin. Blush swore he saw a wisp of his own breath, but his mind was elsewhere as he entered chapel.

There in front of a low stage, held carefully by the catafalque, was a coffin. Oleander’s coffin.

Blush took a deep breath, his hands clutched at the bottom of his stole. He was tempted to loosen his clerical collar, feeling suffocated, but the priest could only walk forward. It was hard to imagine Oleander in that box, hidden, when the man had always wanted everyone’s eyes on him.

There were implications to that, of how the head priest might have looked in death. Blush was grateful to be spared and yet at the same time, resentful he couldn’t see Oleander one last time. He couldn’t remember their last conversation. What halfhearted insults he might have muttered to Oleander’s smiling face. Or if the head priest understood he was the sole reason Blush became a priest.

He stared at the funeral’s memorial poster, looking into the false eyes of a man he had idolized in secret. However, before he could sink further under those thoughts, a voice called to his right.

“Blush?” The voice was familiar, but far more tired than he remembered.

He bowed his head, “Mercy.”

The head nun straightened their skirts, giving the priest their best attempt at a smile, “You’re here early.”

Blush sighed, his shoulders feeling heavy, “I couldn’t sleep any longer and I imagine my parish will want my comfort before the day is over. I can’t afford to stay here too long.” He looked at the coffin, “I want to pay my respects.”

A strange look passed Mercy’s face, something caught between guilt and remorse, before it faded back into their exhausted expression. “Of course, I know you had a fondness for Oleander.”

Blush grimaced, “I don’t know if I would call it that.”

Mercy raised an eyebrow, before they muttered, “For all you complained about him, your sermons are- were similar.”

Blush tried not to flinch when Mercy fixed the tense they used. “I don’t think there will ever be a succubun that understands the Church like Oleander did, everything I knew was because I watched him.”

Mercy nodded, “You’ve done your best.”

“But I still have doubts.” He looked away, it would be no surprise to Mercy as he sought their advice before, but that didn’t mean he felt no shame.
They were quiet, taking a few seconds to think, until they reached a hand to gentle rest on Blush’s shoulder. “If you have as many doubts as you claim, would you still be a priest?”

Blush smiled weakly, embarrassed that Mercy saw right through him, “Maybe not. I’m sorry, this isn’t the time for something like this. The wrong day.”
Mercy squeezed his shoulder. “It’s not the best time for it, no.”

He covered his mouth, hiding a stunned laugh behind his fist, “Of course, we should be remembering Oleander and his legacy. Any feelings I might have should be saved for the days to come.”

“Of course.” They didn’t seem offended by the laugh he poorly hid, instead Blush had the feeling they had tried to cheer him up.

Blush reached for the hand on his shoulder, his fingers softly laid over Mercy’s. “If you ever need help, or even just someone to listen, I can offer you the kindness you gifted me.”

The strange look appeared again, lasting longer, before Mercy nodded, “I’ll keep that in mind. You always were very kind, Blush.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“But you-” Mercy trailed off, their ears twitching as their name was called, “I’m sorry, I need to go.”

Blush dropped his hand, quickly shaking his head, “No I’m sorry I kept you; we can talk later.”

Mercy nodded, dropping their hand from his shoulder, before they were rushed to the side by a small group of priests and nuns.

Blush led out an unsteady exhale, he already wanted to go back home and crawl under his covers, but he had a duty to his flock no matter what he suffered. No matter what he feared.

He took a step back, his hoof catching on the laid down carpet as he stumbled backwards into another succubun.

Her voice was a harsh, defensive growl, “What the hell?”

“Oh, I didn’t,” Blush hurried to turn his head, looking over his shoulder.

A tall envy stood behind him, her mouth twisted until she caught sight of his robes and collar. She stiffened, quickly helping him to stand straight. “Uh sorry Father, you just surprised me.”

Blush looked surprised, tilting his head as he inspected her, “You’re Jackal right?” He flushed, “Ah ignore my terrible manners, a few of my envious followers pointed you out to me before.” That wasn’t exactly the truth, instead he learned of her from whispers around the Church. He had even been in her home before, where he dropped off tea leaves to Dove for Primrose, but at that time, the cherubun was the only one home.

Jackal shrugged, “I’m not upset you know of me, I’m not any different to the rest of the succubuns you know.”

Blush scoffed quietly, agreeing, “I know, from what I’ve heard, you’re the greatest asset envies have.”

Jackal paused, before she smiled ruefully, “They need someone to care, don’t they?”

“Yes, they do.”

The pair were quiet, but before Blush could break that silence, another voice broke to their left.

“Jackal? What are you doing with Father Blush?” Dove seemed confused, the cherubun looking between them, “Are you being nice to him?

Jackal’s lips pulled back in a grimace, “What? Why wouldn’t I be?

Dove shrugged helplessly, “I don’t know? He could have stepped on you?”

The envy sighed, ignoring that something similar to that happened, suddenly she paused, seeming curious, “Wait, how do you know him?”

“Don’t you remember? He was the succubun that bought me the tea leaves from Primrose, he even sat with me for a few hours while you were busy.”

“Blush, that’s the name. I thought that sounded familiar,” Jackal mumbled, straightening her jacket as she looked down at Dove.

Blush watched them both, wondering if he should interject or if he should sneak away and leave them to talk.

The choice was quickly made for him as Dove caught his attention, their expression sympathetic, “But never mind that, are you alright, Blush? I know the Church must have… um I’m sure Oleander being gone, has been difficult.”

Blush appreciated the kindhearted cherubun’s words, giving them a kind look, “You are a dear, Dove, but I’m alright. I have to be, once things settle, I’m sure the Church will be busier than ever.” He could not imagine what would happen with Mercy as the sole head of the Church of Sulfur, he feared if they would be able to handle it.

Dove seemed awkward, a look similar to Mercy’s own crossing their cheeks, “I’m sure they will be plenty of people that will want to help, even if they’re not part of the Church.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure everything will be fine,” Blush did his best to sound reassuring, but he was getting this strange prickly feeling in the back of his head. Those strange guilty looks, he may have been reading into them, but something seemed off. Like a secret he wasn’t part of. It was unnerving.

He continued, “But don’t mind me, I’m only here to pay my respects before I go to find my parish. I’m sure they will want my guidance in this difficult of times.” A polite, but obvious infliction that he intended to leave their sides.

Jackal understood it faster than Dove, setting her arms around their shoulders, “Come on, Dove, we should let Blush get back to what he was doing. We’re here to talk to Mercy, right?”

Dove gave Blush a regretful look, “I guess? But are you sure you’re alright?”

Blush smiled, “Yes I’m alright, please go ahead without me.”

Jackal gave him a subtle thumbs up as she encouraged Dove to start walking away. The cherubun quickly waved behind them, “Goodbye Blush.”

“Goodbye, Dove.” He waved back, watching as they finally got out of eyesight. His shoulder slumped and he pinched the bridge of his nose. Would all conversations feel so taxing now?

Although, as he moved forward, stopping in front of Oleander, he had to wonder if he was missing something important. The looks he saw from both Mercy and Dove, what could either of them have to feel guilt for? He also wondered if Jackal was always so quick to snap from being bumped into, or if she seemed unsettled?

He had too many questions and no one to get answers from, he never realized he could feel so helpless.

He stared at the coffin, whispering too lightly to be heard, “What’s going on, Oleander? How exactly did this happen?” He clenched his jaw tightly, “What is it that I don’t know?”

Blush pinched his bare hip, forcing himself to focus. It was inappropriate to be standing there and whispering to the dead, if there was something he was supposed to know then he would eventually learn what it was.

Maybe he was more tired than he thought, and he started to imagine things that weren’t there. Blush just needed to get through the rest of the day, just needed to keep moving until he could rid himself of every harsh thought.

He needed to be stronger than he felt.