fair fun

Had things taken just a slightly different turn for her somewhere, Breakfast might have counted herself among the great daredevils of Burrowgatory, or at least a small-time stunt double in action movies. Perhaps it was her lustful proclivities that placed any activity that she could say got her heart truly pounding—and she meant truly, life-threateningly pounding—at the top of her list. Perhaps that was just part of her nature.

Whatever it was, when she saw the skeletons of the giant, questionably safe fair rides start to go up on the until now perpetually empty fairgrounds near her apartment, Breakfast could hardly contain her excitement.

The ferris wheel that creaked uncomfortably loud when she swung her body back and forth at the apex of the loop? Awesome.

The one that spun her around so fast that she was plastered to the round metal cage enclosing another twenty or so buns just as foolish as herself? That had her fur sticking up in all sorts of directions for the rest of the evening? Great time.

Ramming unsuspecting young buns at their first fair so hard in the bumper cars that they swayed a little leaving the arena? (And, yes, she rightfully called the staging area for the bumper cars an arena.) She felt devious just thinking about it.

Filling her with more anticipation than any other ride, though, was the ride. Sticking straight up above all the other attractions, the fact that she didn’t have any comparisons for the giant… fixture in the middle of the fairgrounds spoke truth to her respect for the art of the fair ride. Not even those aforementioned lustful proclivities could sully the awe of the big drop. 

None of the buns she’d come to the fair with had the nerve to board what a couple of them called a “death trap,” so she stood by herself at the base of the tower staring up in something close to quiet reverence while she waited in line. Dozens of buns before her strapped themselves in, were slowly lifted up, up, up into the air, only loud clicks from whatever contraption inside made the thing work and faint screams from other rides able to be heard before the mechanism released– sending the half-dozen souls on the ride plummeting to their doom.

Doom being used figuratively, of course. Of course.

Her heart beat faster as she approached the front of the line, and it wasn’t just the sticky summer heat that made her sweat when she finally lowered herself into one of the uncomfortable metal seats. The bun beside her was clearly going through an experience of his own, which empowered her to at least glance over and ask, “First time?”

“Yeah,” he replied, buckling himself in.

“It’s the worst,” she said, doing the same. “But, like, in a good way.”

The ride operator stepped back from his podium to circle the group now latched into the ride. She’d seen this song and dance a thousand times before. It was presumably to make sure that their seatbelts were properly fixed. It was all old hat for a fair ride pro like Breakfast, of course.

Until he said, out loud, “oh shit,” and then without a hint of hesitation pressed the button to send the ride climbing skyward.

The operator, as it turned out, was a consummate professional himself. After all, if there was any way to coax some cheap thrills from a group of succubuns, that would have to be it. Immediately, there were some noises of panic amongst the riders, a few even hollering down pleading with him to stop the ride. “Better hold on tight!” the operator called up to them, his subterfuge becoming clear to a few by now, but certainly not Breakfast.

“Think the ride’s gonna fall apart?” she called out to the rider beside her, laughing in something between disbelief and panic. Sure, she could worry about whatever happened when she hit the ground like a Breakfast pancake (pun not intended), but she knew the risks of the fair ride long before she strapped herself in.

Probably not the poor bun beside her, though. “Uh–”

“We’re so screwed!” she exclaimed, a smile on her face considering that getting horribly maimed or injured here would mean that she at least got the thrill of a lifetime doing so.

The ride car finally rose to the top of the tower, and unfortunately the excitement and confusion of it all meant that she didn’t look around to appreciate the view of the Burrowgatory from up high like this. The ride finally released with a loud pneumatic hiss, and Breakfast screamed, preparing herself for a maiming that never actually came.

Instead, when the ride car neared the ground, it did so as it had every time she rode before, with a bit of a jerk but a relatively calm slide back into its original loading position. The ride operator had a sly smirk on his face as he released their seatbelts.

“Wow, you guys made it,” he said blithely, earning a few chuckles from the other riders. 

Breakfast, who had now looked upon her untimely end and laughed in its face, was a little too wobbly coming off the ride to do much other than give the ride operator a thumbs up on the way out. It was temporary, of course.

One game of ring toss and a funnel cake later, and she was back in line, ready to laugh at oblivion once more.