[Gift] Festively Fugly
Mina pulled the oversized sweater over her head, struggling a bit to pull her ears all the way through the collar and sighing with relief when they were finally free. She wriggled her arms all . the way down through the sleeves until she could bunch them up enough to free her hooves. Once she’d finally gotten it adjusted to the point that she could actually move about without being completely swallowed by the knit fabric, she gave herself a long look in her bedroom’s standing mirror. It wasn’t hard to come to a conclusion.
“I think my boss would actually, literally kill me if he caught me wearing this.” Lucy and Rose, who had both been watching her struggle from where they were nestled comfortably on her bed, naturally did not have any response to this. Not beyond Lucy’s look of staunch disapproval, anyway. Mina had expected that.
(How could an imp have such a specific expression? It was possible. You may not know it was possible, but show a ribbow an ugly sweater and watch miracles happen.)
“Think of the damage I’d be doing to the fashion label’s branding,” she went on with a little giggle before doing a full turn in the mirror so that she could behold her sweater in all its terrible, terrible glory.
It wasn’t just that it didn’t fit her properly, oh no. That was just the beginning. For starters, it was green. That already wasn’t a particularly flattering color on her, but it wasn’t even a nice green. Not that deep, seasonal forest green, nor a richer shade of emerald or even a brighter, candy-colored kind of green. It was a muted green, the kind that verged on yellowish brown. It was the kind of green that said whoever had made it had clearly been going for the forest green, but they’d had yarn that was just slightly the wrong shade, or the material had faded with age before ever being used, or maybe they were just the tiniest bit colorblind. Whatever hypothetical forest the maker had been emulating had to have been half-dead if it was this color in real life.
So that was things off to a bad start. Worse still? The yarn wasn’t just that sickly shade of green, it was sparkly. Thin little strands of shiny plastic were interwoven in the threads, making the sweater catch the light in a very bad way whenever Mina moved.
The white snowflake trim on the collar and sleeves? Uneven, like someone had lost count of their stitches while knitting. Only half the snowflakes were even truly white; somewhere in there, they transitioned to more of an eggshell color. It wasn’t obvious at a glance, but there was enough of a difference to tell that something was wrong.
Oh, and the snowflakes around the collar specifically? Yeah, those lit up. With little twinkling light bulbs and everything. There was no button or anything sewn into the sweater itself to control them; as far as Mina could tell, they were possibly motion-activated. One way or another, they would periodically set off by themselves as she moved around.
And yet. And yet. As bad as all of that was, none of it was the worst part.
No, the worst part was the slogan plastered across the front. In haphazardly looping, uneven, off-white (not even the same off-white as the snowflakes, but somehow a third, even more off, off-white) script, the words “HOPPY HOLIDAYS” proudly displayed themselves.
The spacing between the letters? Uneven. The placement of the words themselves? Off center. The “Y” in “HOPPY” trailed awkwardly down to collide with the word beneath it, like the maker hadn’t known where exactly to stop. The last few letters of “HOLIDAYS” were squashed together so that they’d still be somewhat visible from the front instead of curving around the left side of the sweater.
And yes, the letters also lit up. They had little multi-colored light bulbs instead of the white ones in the snowflakes, even.
It was hideous. It was perfect. Whoever had made it had clearly tried so hard, and Mina was not about to let their work go to waste, even if she loved it for all the wrong reasons. She’d known she had to have it as soon as she spotted it in a thrift store. She’d never be caught dead wearing something like this in her day-to-day life, hyperbolic threats to her life from her fashionista boss aside. That was part of just why it was so fun to bring things like this out and parade them around during special occasions. Nothing said holidays like an ugly sweater party.
Mina did another little twirl for the mirror, giggling to herself again. Oh yes, it was bad, and she was owning it. Through with admiring (or “admiring”) her look, she turned to give Lucy and Rose each a hug, though Lucy earnestly expressed its displeasure at her choice of sweater by beating at her sleeve with its ribbons. Leaving her imp and virtue to get cozy on the bed, she set about gathering her belongings and readying herself to go out for the evening.
Though she didn’t usually wear green, she did have an appropriately festive green ribbon to tie her ears back with. It was a nice ribbon, so it didn’t exactly match the color or quality of her sweater, but the clashing shades emphasized the look, in her opinion. She took care to tie her ears up so that they wouldn’t trail on the cold ground, and took one final look in the mirror. Satisfied, she shouldered her evening bag and set out into the chilly evening air.
It didn’t take long to get to Lazarus’s home; Mina had been pleasantly surprised to learn how close together they lived. She practically skipped up the front steps, hopping over the crumbling one, and knocked at the front door, making the elegant wreath mounted on it rattle.
She’d already opened her mouth to greet Lazarus as the door creaked open, but once she caught sight of him, she blurted out something else entirely. “Hey, where’s your sweater!?”
Lazarus looked great. He always looked great, really, outfit put together from top to bottom. Elegant, expensive-looking (even if she knew that wasn’t necessarily the case; he was good at looking expensive without actually being expensive).
Right now, that was a problem.
“Oh, that.” Lazarus sniffed. It was a subtle sniff, carrying just a hint of disdain; it was the kind of gesture that you practiced and then never admitted to practicing once you’d perfected it. “I decided that I couldn’t do it. It’s too hideous.”
“La-az,” Mina groaned, dragging out the first syllable of his name. “It’s an ugly sweater party! The point is that it looks bad!”
“Mm.” Lazarus tilted his head back slightly, striking a perfectly attractive put-upon look. Mina was struck with the intense urge to give him a noogie, but she powered past it. “Sure, if it was something official and I was getting paid, I’d do it. But it’s just not… me, you know?”
Mina made some kind of noise along the lines of “arghgh” and pushed past Lazarus into his apartment. “Let me see it, at least,” she said, marching with a purpose even though she didn’t know exactly where she was going. Lazarus sighed (prettily) and shut the door behind her.
“Here. If you really must see it.” He disappeared into the bedroom for a moment before returning with the sweater, holding it at arm’s length with disdain that this time was barely disguised.
“Oh come on!” Mina exclaimed once she got a good look. “It’s perfect!”
It was one of those holiday sweaters that had clearly been made to be intentionally tacky, rather than the fumbled earnestness of Mina’s sweater. Even so, it was perfect(ly bad). The knit was mainly bright red, with stripes of alternating snowflakes and skulls. Emblazoned proudly across the front was a cheerful chirop, wings spread, surrounded by a wreath in green, white, and gold. The loudness of the colors was eye-searing.
“It matches you!” She nagged, but Lazarus just rolled his eyes.
“Not worth it,” he said with finality.
“Worth what? Where’s your holiday spirit!?”
“I have plenty of holiday spirit,” Lazarus said, crossing his arms defiantly. “I put up a wreath and everything.”
Okay, he had put up a wreath. She had to give him that one.
Anyway, Mina knew Laz, and she knew that once he’d set his course, it would take a crowbar and considerable effort to pry him off of it. She didn’t want to argue over something so silly, even if she thought he’d be the one who ended up looking and feeling silly when he turned up to a themed event without even trying to stick to the theme.
“We’re going to be late if we don’t get going,” she said, conceding the point without openly admitting that she was conceding it. They could still go and have a good time on their platonic ugly sweater party date, even if they were down one expected ugly sweater.
Lazarus looked at her askance for a long moment, seemingly sensing her defeat, then heaved another sigh, looking especially elegant and martyr-like. “I suppose I could put it on so that I don’t clash with the party theme. But I’m wearing a coat over it until we get there.”
“Yes!” Mina’s attitude immediately one-eightied, and she grabbed Lazarus by the face, squishing his cheeks. “It’ll be fun, I promise!”
“Let me go,” he pouted, muffled with the way that she was squishing his face. She did so, and he stepped back into the bedroom to put the sweater on. He only let her get a glimpse of it before covering it with an overcoat as promised, but they did link arms as they ventured back out into the evening.
“Maybe you’ll set a trend. Think about it!” Mina teased.
“That would be a disaster for everyone.” But she could tell that he was thinking about it.
She was already plotting their looks for next year.
Thank you Succubuns for giving me a reason to spend 500+ words describing a hideous holiday sweater in loving detail.
Submitted By Diffoccult
for Ugly Sweater
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Submitted: 1 month and 5 days ago ・
Last Updated: 1 month and 5 days ago