Priestly Concerns

Under the soft lights of the Bunnery, next to empty baskets and old bottles, Blush stood uncertain. He didn’t not find himself here often and there was a level of unnerve he felt being here. Like he didn’t belong.

Truly Blush didn’t like to seek Mercy here, instead havung always tried to run into them during their walks around the church.

But today, he didn’t want any prying ears or to be caught unaware by the head priest. And while it was not that Blush thought he couldn’t trust a fellow priest, he didn’t think Oleander would understand the worries he was having. The very doubts that shook his core beliefs.

In years past, he could ignore his feelings surrounding the church and instead focus on the good he believed he was doing. He could look into the eyes of his parish and be welcomed by their unwavering faith in him. It was a comfort, but ultimately a crutch to avoid facing the truth.

With each new season that came and went, the same ugly emotions would creep back in before he could push them away.

Blush took a deep breath, adjusting his pink robes with shaky hands. He only needed to wait for the nun to arrive, it was late around the time when Mercy would be the only nun in the bunnery.

As if on cue, Mercy stepped through an adjoining door, their skirts shifting with the movement. They stopped with a start, wide eyes turned towards Blush before they settled with a soft smile. “Blush, I didn’t hear you.”

Blush decided he wouldn’t mention the strange caught look Mercy had on their face, whatever they did on their own in the church was not his business or anything he wished to uncover. “I’m sorry, I should have said something.”

Mercy shook their head. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you have your reason for standing out here?”

“I do, I was waiting for you.”

They paused, “For me?”

Blush nodded, hurrying his words,“I was hoping you weren’t busy? That you might have a moment to talk with me?” He tried to keep his voice light.

Mercy seemed to hesitate, as if they were nervous about what he wanted to speak about. “I might-”

Blush held up his hand to soothe them. “It’s a bit of a personal problem, if you care to listen?”

It was suspicious how quickly Mercy relaxed, but Blush was true to his word that he refused to acknowledge it. Instead, he waited to see what they would say next.

Mercy’s expression was kind, even encouraging in the right light, “Of course, please share your burden with me.”

Blush laughed quietly, the sound tense and rolling uncomfortably through him. “I don’t think it would be appropriate to call it a burden, maybe just my own foolishness.”

Mercy frowned, “I would still hear it even if you think it’s foolish.”

He nodded, embarrassed of himself for trying to self depreciate in front of the head nun. Nothing good would come from that, he needed to be truthful or he would waste both of their times. “I hate to say this and please believe me when I say I do not relish these concerns, but I have doubt.”

“Doubt?” They echoed.

Blush sighed heavily, “About the Church of Sulfur.”

Mercy shifted in surprise, of all the priests in the church, Blush had never crossed their mind as suffering from religious concerns. He was always the first to praise the demons or the vices of the burrows.

Their voice softened. “And what doubts are you having?”

Blush looked down at the ground, his shoulders tense, “It’s nothing against Murmur, I still believe in him with everything I have. It’s just…”

“Just…”

He hissed through his teeth, trying to comfort himself before he answered, “It’s the other demons. Their wants, their desires, the things they’re willing to do.”

Mercy tilted their head, “You worry about the other demons?”

“I don’t mean it poorly,” Blush admitted, looking up to meet Mercy’s eyes, “It’s just some of them are not for the burrows are they? They shouldn’t be praised to buns that don’t know any better.”

Something shifted over Mercy’s face, before they stepped closer and reached a hand out for Blush’s shoulder. “You speak with experience?”

Blush shook his head, before he paused, “Maybe? Nothing overly serious however, there was just a demon, back when I was young and fresh in the burrows, that made an inappropriate comment towards me, but nothing truly came of that. I’m sure Murmur would have be enraged far more than I was, but that’s far in the past. I think my current concerns have more to do with the uncertainty of the other demons.”

Mercy nodded, their expression curious. “Please explain.”

He threw up his hands, “Where to begin? We know so little of demon kind, we even struggle to remember much of Murmur as the years go by and he continues to raise our kind.” He roughly shook his head, “What do the others want? What do they do? Sometimes I feel plagued by these thoughts.”

Mercy only waited for him to continue.

“I know in my heart that Murmur is good, but then you have the demons raising envy horns. The neglect and mistreatment, certainly that must imply something about demon kind. I see such grief among the envy, so much doubt in the demon kind and their way. How do I explain something I didn’t even understand to them? Why even raise buns in the first place and why does Murmur keep giving buns to these demons?” Blush groaned, raising a hand up to rub at his brow. He didn’t let himself usually get this heated, but he hated having questions with no answers.

Mercy took a deep breath. “I don’t think I have the answers that you seek Blush, but I do have what I know. Murmur is just one demon and our population continues to grow each year, there is only so much he can do alone.” They took a moment to think, before they continued, raising their hand so Blush wouldn’t interrupt. “Murmur might not even know the full scope of what happens to envy buns or the demons that raise them.”

Blush looked ruefully away, “Then just like that I should be content?”

“I never said that, only that Murmur cannot do all of this alone and there are only so many demons that would be willing to help him raise our kind. I do not know what makes the other demons act the way they do, but I also think you are asking for things that simply have no answers we know of.” Mercy had the grace to look apologetic, “You are a good priest, Blush, you worry so much for the buns around you. I know you have a special interest in the envy buns, that you worry about them, but all we can do is comfort them and help them adjust to our way of life. I know that might not satisfy you, but I’m afraid I’m not sure what might.”

Blush turned his gaze back to Mercy, not wanting to blame them for his bad temper. “You’re right.” He seemed almost to deflate. “I just wish I had more for them, more ways to explain to them things I do not know. I was raised lovingly and eagerly given the chance to understand what vice I would make my own. I never had that decision made for me by being cast out from that feeling of love and affection. I have never had to stare at the things I desired and knew I could never have them. My heart burns for those of envy. I feel anger towards the demons for them.”

Mercy nodded, “I understand, but I think you should also practice knowing when to be sympathetic for another and when to be anger. Have you spoken to your envy members of your parish? I did not wish for you to fall down a hole of doubts without discussing them.”

Blush sighed, “I suppose I haven’t been asking them what they felt, but it feels wrong to ask.”

“Why? Shouldn’t you, as their priest, feel like you can talk to them?” Mercy cut no corners, they were blunt in their attempt to understand what Blush was feeling.

“Sometimes I worry it will seem like I’m rubbing the fact I had a good childhood in their faces or even that I come off as rude for trying to connect with something I will never understand.”

“Then you’re just assuming?” Mercy raised their eyebrow, “I think even you know that can be a dangerous thing to do, Blush. You can’t decide how others feel when it more convenient to the way you’re feeling.”

Blush froze, his mouth falling slightly open. “Is that what I’m doing?”

“It could very well be, you are hurt for them but you’re not asking if they’re hurt. I’m not saying they do not still feel the pain of their childhood, but you must them how they feel now. You have envy buns in your parish, that means they must feeling some way about demon kind.” Mercy smiled, “Perhaps they understand that there are good demons as there are bad demons. Such as with Succubuns themselves.”

“Then, instead of letting myself drown in all of these thoughts, I should be trying to connect with my envy parishioners?”

Mercy nodded.

Blush slapped a hand to his forehead, feeling the stress lines under his skin as he took a deep breath. “This is difficult, Mercy, truly difficult. I know you’re right and I don’t doubt you, but it still twists me inside.”

They squeezed his shoulder, “There’s nothing wrong with being upset for the envy succubuns, what happened to them is unfair. It’s a good thing that you have such kindness in your heart, Blush, you try to understand everyone you preach to, but to see is something I’ve noticed of you.”

“What’s that?”

“You allow yourself to feel too much of your parish’s discomforts and even their emotions. You want to comfort them, but I believe there is also a part of you that wants to prove your beliefs are true,” Mercy sighed, still holding a soft smile, “There’s nothing wrong with believing in the church as strongly as you do, but I wonder if you take it too far to try and convince yourself.”

Blush’s expression slacked, he needed a few seconds before he could continue to speak. “You worry that I’m bringing my doubts to my parish?”

“Not on purpose, you might not even be doing it all, but your parish will eventually notice. You are such a lively bun, Blush, there is not a priest or nun in this church that is not used to your smile or laughter at all hours of the days. If you stop smiling, then others will notice.” They held up a hand, pointing it under his chin, “And if you think they won’t, then you are not giving anyone at this church even credit.”

Blush blinked, before his expression shifted into a smile, “I suppose that’s true, I do have a bad habit of showing my emotions on my face. Here I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it.”

Mercy scoffed gently, “Usually you do, given you don’t often come to me or Oleander for advice.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

Mercy only gave him a mysterious smile. “I do think I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve found you waiting to speak with me alone.”

Blush couldn’t help his laughter, quickly muffling it behind his hand, “It’s not that I don’t trust either of your advice, I just don’t often find myself stuck with questions like this.” Or at least, not enough for him to go ask his questions when he was struggling with his doubts.

Mercy was too polite of a bun to roll their eyes, at least when Blush was watching. “I’m almost certain you do, but I’m not going to force out your secrets if you don’t want to tell me them.”

Blush looked grateful, “If it helps, I tell you far more than I tell Oleander.”

“I imagine that has more to do with him trying to indulge in vices with you instead of giving you much of a chance to ask him questions?”

Blush didn’t try to hide his mischievous grin, “Well you should know about the way he gets the most then, Mercy?” It was no secret that priests and nuns alike have heard of the trysts between Oleander and Mercy, just as it wasn’t a secret they only humored Oleander to get him out of their hair.

“That’s very cheeky of you.” Mercy stated, fixing their robes in a way that suggested they had no time to talk about what they did with the head priest when the mood was right. Or rather when they had something they wanted to cover up and needed a most head priest to not ask questions.

“Well you did say the church was used to the way I act.”

“I meant your smiles, not your accusations.”

Blush snorted, “Stop, you’re acting like I caught you doing something wrong. I’m sure every priest and nun has had that bun in their bed or something close to it.”

“Even you?”

“Well you’re not the only one that wanted him out of your hair at times.” He clasped his hands together. “But that’s in the past, nothing interesting to talk about now.” Not when he had a lover to think about and someone that wouldn’t appreciate him running off to sleep with the head priest.

Mercy hummed in amusement, “I did hear something like that around the church. A surprise since I know how fond you are of your vice.”

“I still indulge, being with one person hasn’t changed that.”

“I never thought it would fit you.”

Blush smiled, “It really does.”

There was a moment of peaceful between them, before Mercy paused and looked at one of the windows. “Is it that time already? I still have some paperwork I need done by tonight.”

Blush looked bashful, “Forgive me, I didn’t mean to keep you so late.”

“Don’t mind it, I’m glad you came to me with your concerns. I hope I have helped them, even just a bit.”

“Of course, Mercy, now please enjoy the rest of your night.”

They bowed their head, “You too, Blush, have a good night.”

The pair exchanged their goodbyes and parted ways. It was almost funny how light Blush felt, like a heavy weight had been taken off his shoulders. He didn’t think his doubts had completely left him, but he felt better about them. He needed to speak to his parish and get their own opinions on the way they felt about the burrows and maybe then, he could be at peace with his religious concerns.

Blush only needed to trust in those that trusted him.